


Life is a Marathon (or some other cliched garbage, Casey thinks)

by AgentDanvers



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Cazzie if you squint, F/F, F/M, Feels, Rated M for language and internal homophobia, Romance, also Evan is my bby angel boy, but also Izzie is hot af, but really it's more of an introspection of Casey's, i am fricken in love with Casey and Brigette Lundy-Paine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 08:33:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16082405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentDanvers/pseuds/AgentDanvers
Summary: Casey has spent so long repressing her true feelings, growing up with Sam will do that to you, so she’s gotten really good at not analyzing them or figuring out what it all means. All she knows is, Izzie makes her happy and she enjoys her company. So, it only makes sense that things would come to a head and crash down eventually, because let’s be real, this is her life you’re talking about here.





	Life is a Marathon (or some other cliched garbage, Casey thinks)

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't own Atypical or its characters, but just borrowing them to satiate myself until s3 gets renewed and comes back aha.
> 
> I just finished binge watching all of Atypical, and I had so many feels that I had to write them down and get them out. Brigette's portrayal of Casey is one of the most honest and beautiful I've seen and I resonate with her a lot. So here's my way of just expressing that.
> 
> This is pretty canon compliant, covers all the episodes really. I took dialogue pretty straight from the show and took liberties with some things.
> 
> This is pretty raw and unedited, so all mistakes are mine. But I hope you al enjoy anyway :).

##### 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes, when you're alone in your room, you think of the irony of how talented and fast you are, and how you've won too many races to count, but then you remember your place in your family and it feels like the wind has been knocked out of you. You were born last and have always been put last. Or so it feels. 

And other times you jump out of bed, put on your track suit and run and run and run and run away from all that depressing shit and the rest of your sorry life. 

##### 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Growing up with Sam was hard at first, but you took it in stride, you think. You've always been good at putting Sam and your family first, it became second nature. You love Sam. You really do. With every muscle in your being. He was your best friend growing up, still kinda is, in that only-a-sibling-could-know-you way. And it's great. But it's also _hard_.   


It's so, so hard sometimes. It was so hard when your mom makes butter noodles for _your_ birthday. It was hard when all your so called friends stopped being your friends because you had a “freak” for a brother. It was hard when you start to go to highschool and want to have your own life, but highschool is full of fucking assholes. It was hard when you always had to watch what you say and that you were the one who always got in trouble, when it was Sam who did something objectively wrong. It was hard when you always had to be the understanding sister and had no room for any mistakes. It’s still hard. It’s hard when you’re actually the youngest but it feels like you’re the oldest and you have to take care of Sam and look after Sam, and protect Sam and Sam, Sam, Sam, and - . And you feel like such a gigantic dick, because your big bro has autism, and he can't help that it sometimes makes you feel invisible or frustrated, or you think about running away more times than you can count, or - or - _or_. Yeah. You're a fucking dick.

##### 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Casey tries not to think about all that psychological analyzing BS. Don’t get her wrong, there’s some merit there – Sam’s therapist, Julia, seems to be good for Sam and helps him a lot, but Casey thinks the whole therapist thing is not for her. But sometimes, she can’t help but ask if there’s something wrong with her or ask psychoanalyze herself. Casey sometimes thinks the reason why she runs so much is because that’s the only place she feels _free_. It’s the only place where she can just be _Casey_ and leave all her troubles and worries behind, even just for a little while. She knows it’s clichéd, but she loves feeling the wind blowing in her hair, the feeling of leaving behind her house. She loves the pit-pat-patter of her feet slapping at the pavement, reverberating in her shins, all the way up to her heart; she loves the pounding of that muscle in her thoracic cavity (stupid ass biology), the blood pumping throughout her body and that rush of endorphins. She loves running to the point where her lungs feel like they’re on fire. That Runner’s High. It’s also the only place when Casey feels like she’ll always be _first_. When Casey runs, that’s all she’s doing – she’s not thinking about how difficult Clayton is turning out to be, she’s not thinking about her mom, who has done such assholeish things, she’s not thinking about Sam, her dad’s panic attacks, about her scholarship, about Evan or about – about. _No_ , she’s definitely not thinking about that. _No._ She picks up her speed.

##### 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Casey has always felt that she had to be perfect, to even get a shred of attention Sam ever did. Casey knows better now and she understands, but old habits die hard and all that. Casey is nowhere near as smart as her brother, so she puts all her energy into Track and social life. She’s really, _really_ good at track – she’s proved it time and time again. She’s one of the best. She’s going to be in the Olympics one day. And she’s well liked – I mean, when people aren’t being stupidly angry and jealous of her. But all in all, she’s got it pretty good. So when that thing that she’s trying really hard not to think about happens, Casey freaks out. 

##### 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

With Sam being different, it was only natural for Casey to wonder if she was different too. When Casey first transferred to Clayton, she was shitting her pants; she was so nervous. And it really didn’t fucking help that pretty, stupid, prissy, rich, pretty Izzie was a major _prick_. Ugh. Stupid Izzie.  


All Casey wants to do is keep her head down, be cool with everyone, and above all, run and break records. But it seems like Izzie is dead set against on letting that happen. This was just supposed to be a nice easy practice, but Queen Bee over here is adamant on making her life a living hell.  


“You’re slowing down there Newton,” taunts the she devil herself.  


Casey barely resists rolling her eyes, and instead, picks up her speed and decides it’s time to show the team why she was recruited to Clayton in the first place. Izzie’s pretty damn fast, but the thing is, Casey’s faster. Casey kind of feels bad because, while she’s not taking it easy, she definitely has another gear, but Izzie seem to be panting harsher and she seems like she’s pushing herself really hard and –  


“Ahhh! You pushed me!”  


“What? No! I – I didn’t!”  


“Girls! My office. _Now._ ”  


God, Casey is starting to really hate this stupid school.

##### 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Until you girls learn to like each other and be part of a team, you’re stuck here.” Casey has never thought a door click could give her such dread.  


“Here,” you say, while shoving the ice pack toward Izzie.  


“Way to go Newton,” Izzie snarls while angrily grabbing the pack from you.  


“Ugh, whatever. I didn’t push you, you tripped on your own,” you reply, actually rolling your eyes this time.  


“Just hand me my phone, since you sprained my wrist.”  


Casey is starting to think that her eyes really roll out of her head by the time the day is over; screw whatever biology says.  


And okay, Casey knows eavesdropping is rude, but also, hello, it’s a small room alright, and there’s only the two of them, she honestly can’t help it. So when she hears Izzie say to whomever is on the other line to “take care of the baby”, Casey is a little ashamed to think Izzie’s a moron.  


“The baby?”  


Izzie lets out the most exasperated breath, and rolls her eyes too and says, “I’m not a moron,” she starts, and Casey is a little freaked out - _is she a mind reader too?_ “Not that it’s any of your business, but I take care of my three siblings. I’m not like that other girls.”

 _I bet you’re not._ Casey’s shocked. There’s more to this Izzie chick than she lets on. “You do? My brother has autism, so I’m constantly taking care of him.”

And the strangest thing happens. Casey feels this powerful _connection_ and knows right then and there that Izzie is going to be really important in her life.

You spend hours talking and laughing, while finishing Quinn’s cheap mickey of vodka, like you’ve been best friends all your life. Casey learns so much about her new friend and feels like, for the first time ever, she finally has someone who understands her and just _gets_ her. And even in her inebriated state, Casey thinks Izzie is one of the most incredible people’s she’s ever met. And she’s terrified. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Casey is starting to absolutely love Clayton, and Izzie’s a big part of that. Probably the best part if she’s being honest. Casey looks forward to her everyday interactions with Izzie; from her smile when they say hi to each other first thing in the morning, from the comforting hugs they exchange, from her fresh clean scent, with a hint of lavender when Izzie leans in so close - too close - when they talk and from all the interactions in between. And when Casey runs beside Izzie during practice, Casey can’t blame just running on the pounding of her heart anymore.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Being around Izzie is making her thoughts go crazy, her heart to beat wildly and makes her hyperaware of Izzie’s every little movement. She makes Casey think and do stupid things. Casey swears she was _not_ about to kiss Izzie when Izzie pushed her against the locker, with her hands so warm and solid on her chest, nor was she going to pull her closer and hold her there forever. Was _not_. Izzie is confusing, in the best way possible and being friends with her is one of the best things that has ever happened to her. One of Casey’s favourite things to do now is to hang out with Izzie, regardless of what they’re doing. The confusing part is, it’s starting to feel extremely similar to how she feels when she’s with Evan. And Casey has never worked harder at trying to think about _that_. But like with a lot of her academics, she’s not doing so hot with that task either. But right now, it’s easier than it’s been. Izzie comes over, with tears streaming down her face, and all Casey could think of is _dude, how is she still so pretty_ but follows it up quickly with hunting down the asshole who hurt her Izzie – er, she means her _friend_ Izzie. 

Casey really wants to fucking beat the pulp out of her mom’s stupid prick of an asshole boyfriend. But she’s pretty content to have Izzie in her arms, comforting her in any way she can. When they were younger, and the sounds and lights and all other stimulants got too much for Sam, Casey would take all the blankets from the linen closet and build a fort. Her and Sam would just stay under there for hours, shrouded from the rest of the world, and just talk about anything and everything. It always brought Sam, and even her, some modicum of comfort, so she was hoping to do the same for Izzie. 

“I can't believe you built me a fort,” Izzie said with a soft, shy exhale.

“Yeah, well. You were sad and forts are dope,” you say with a smirk.

“I know this is going to sound really weird, especially since we just met, but you’re like, my new favourite person,” Izzie says with barely a whisper. 

And Casey feels all warm and giddy inside, but just replies with a cool, “I get it. You’re kinda my favourite person now too.”

And all Izzie does in response is lean her head on Casey’s shoulder and Casey’s never been more content in her entire life. Well, aside from that the fact that Izzie’s proximity is doing crazy things to her brain. And Casey is trying her hardest not to think about that tan skin peeking out from her crop top, that looks toned and smooth to the touch. She really is. Whether she succeeds at this or not, is an entirely different matter.  


Casey couldn’t help but think that reading IT was the equivalent of a stupid boyfriend taking his scared girlfriend to go and see a scary movie so he could “protect her” or some shit, and using it as an excuse to get close. And Casey always thought that was idiotic sexist shit, but she couldn’t help but let a tiny, minuscule part of her feel that they were onto something. But it was like Izzie _wanted_ her to protect her and hold her and wrap her in her arms; lately it’s felt like Izzie was finding every little excuse to touch her, in the smallest of ways, and Casey? Well Casey, despite everything, wants more of it and can’t help but crave her touch. God, what the fuck was wrong with her? She was selfishly enjoying her time with Izzie too much. Casey has no idea what this all means, and half the time she thinks she doesn’t even realize that she stares too long, or her heart beats faster when Izzie is around, or she has this giddy feeling every time Izzie so much as smiles. Casey has spent so long repressing her true feelings, growing up with Sam will do that to you, so she’s gotten really good at not analyzing them or figuring out what it all means. All she knows is, Izzie makes her happy and she enjoys her company. So, it only makes sense that things would come to a head and crash down eventually, because let’s be real, this is her life you’re talking about here.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Stupid, _stupid_ fucking Nate and his stupid face and his stupid lying piece of fucking shit balls – _fuck!_ Casey hated Nate with a passion; he ruined one of the best things to happen to her. Casey doesn’t know how it got to this point but it really fucking sucks and she feels like crying all the time and she absolutely hates all of this. Izzie won’t return any of her calls and she won’t speak to her at school either, and Casey's never felt more hurt being called by her own name. Casey. Obviously, she knows that’s her name, but Newton was really starting to stick on her and now it’s like their entire friendship has been erased. _Stupid fucking Nate._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

God, Casey thinks, when did my life become such a shitshow. Aside from her mother being a total asshole, her dad taking on more than he should, and her worrying over Sam, Casey thinks now is really not the time for some introspection. Even her go-to, her running, her Track, is not enough to make her feel better anymore or help her forget about all the shit happening in her life and that really fucking sucks. Casey feels so lost. Running, trying to break into her new shoes that the cheating devil, she calls mom, bought herself, Casey can’t help but let the words _slut_ and _ho_ flash behind her eyelids every time she blinks. And normally Casey would just shrug it off or go punch that son-of-a bitch in the face, but Casey can’t bring herself to any of that this time around. She doesn’t know when Izzie managed to harness such control over her heart, but it sucks and Casey wishes she never went to stupid Clayton. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

 _Stupid mom, stupid Evan, stupid ickle bickle, ugh,_ Casey thinks as she’s lying on her bed, trying to will everyone away downstairs, with her mind. God, why is Izzie even here? Izzie hates her. Hasn’t she done enough to Casey’s feelings already? Casey misses the times when looking at Izzie brought her warm fuzzy feelings and all that sappy crap. She hates that looking at her now feels like coming dead last in a race, and all the tears that always seem to sting her eyes. And apparently, mind control is not one of her super powers because there’s a knock on the door shortly after. 

“Go away mom or Evan,” Casey bellows through the closed door.

It’s not her mom or Evan.

“Hey. Can I come in?” Izzie asks softly.

“Okay.”

“Your brother’s all jazzed up over finding this creepy little gorilla thingy,” Izzie explains with a smile.

“That’s the Ickle Bickle,” you respond.

“Yeah, that’s what he told me,” Izzie says, approaching the foot of your bed. 

Casey finds it really hard to look at her and she hates the awkward tension that suddenly settles into the room. She feels, more than sees, Izzie sit down at the edge of the bed beside her.

“Dude, I’m sorry,” Izzie starts, “about everything. I was such a dick, and I got jealous and I was afraid of losing someone I love – “

“I would _never_ come between you and Nate,” Casey breaks in vehemently. _Even though you deserve better and I could probably make you happier – wait what?!_

“Screw him! No, I was afraid of losing you,” Izzie interrupts, like that whole idea was supposed to be obvious. 

“Oh.” You? Izzie was afraid of losing _you? ___

____

“It’s just, before you got to Clayton, I felt so out of place, like I couldn’t be myself - _oh yeah, been there, done that_ – and with Nate, our lives are just so different.” 

And before you even realize you’re speaking you say, “Yeah, like he’s a huge douche and you’re not?” _Even though you kinda were a little, but for some reason I can’t stay mad at you._

“ _Yes,_ ” Izzie says pointedly with a laugh. 

You share a small laugh with her, biting your lip. You glance at her, but it still hurts a little to look at her. So you look down at your bony knees and wait for her to continue talking. 

“And then you and I got into that big fight, and we stopped talking, and I,” Izzie falters a little, “I missed you. I, like, really, really missed you.”

You finally look up at her, maybe to see if she really means it, maybe to see if she’s being sincere, or maybe it’s because you just miss looking at her. And you’re finally looking into her eyes again, after so long, when she says, 

“And I just want my girl back.” 

Your heart warms and you feel a smile pull at your lips even though you think that was a tiny bit stalkerish. You guys share a heated look before she looks away, and winces, before saying,

“Sorry, if that sounds stalker-ish.” And you’ve gotten over the fact that you and Izzie always seem to be on the same wavelength and just revel in the fact that you two know each other so well and share this amazing connection. 

You agree and laugh, and it feels so, so good to laugh and be relaxed around her again. You tell her that you feel the same, and she understands what you’re getting at; she always does. You can’t help but think she looks cute, when she’s bashful, as you return the sentiment. She looks down and wets her lips, before turning back to you and saying the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard.

“Let’s forehead promise to never leave each other again,” she says with a grin. 

“O-kay? What is that?” you ask a little skeptically. 

“Come here, I’ll show you,” Izzie says, while getting up to move closer to you. 

You can already feel your heart beat a little faster and you don’t know what’s about to happen. And your knee is barely touching hers, but it seems like your whole body is on fire. Izzie leans into your space, closer, closer than she’s ever been before and you think that she must hear your heat beat trying to fight its way out of your chest. You can’t hear anything except for the blood rushing in your ears, can’t see anything except for the pink of her lips, and the flash of white teeth, as she bites her lower one, can’t smell anything, but that comforting scent of freshness and lavender and something that is so innately Izzie, can’t taste anything but the sweetness of her breath and can’t feel anything but the heart in your chest and her nose rubbing against yours. 

You both laugh a little nervously and Izzie asks if it’s obvious that she just made the whole thing up. You think it’s endearing but also can’t help but wonder why she chose an act so intimate. You both laugh nervously again but then seem to stop. And all of a sudden, there’s this magnetic charge in the room, as you both fall silent. There’s a tension and level of seriousness there, that wasn’t there before. Your eyes drop to her lips again – and she’s biting it again – and it’s like your brain disconnected from your body and all other thoughts leave your body, but one: _closer_. You start to feel Izzie shift to get closer to you, feel her breath on your lips, and you guys are so close to finally ( _finally?_ ) be kissing and then – 

Shit, you really need to invest in a lock. God damn it, you’ve never been so happy and pissed off at your mom at the same time. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

If you thought the silence between you and Izzie when you guys had that fight was bad, it was nothing compared to how it’s feeling now. Your mom went back downstairs to wait for you guys to come down. You know she knows what’s just transpired, or almost transpired anyway, and you’re just trying not to think about that too much. 

“So, we should – “

“Look, I – “

“Right. Uh, we should go downstairs. You know teens and their cake, heh.”

“Yeah, yeah. Right, cake. Let’s uh, let’s go.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

You guys walk downstairs and you feel like there’s a mountain between you two. Evan is waiting downstairs and you think it’s mostly out of guilt, but a lot of it is also fear, when you run up to him and give him a passionate kiss. You do what you do best, and run. Run far, far away and as fast as you can from all your Izzie-thoughts that plague you. You can feel her burning a hole at the back of your head, so you push into Evan harder, and try to forget about how it felt to be this close to Izzie. It doesn’t work out so well.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You spend the next couple of days avoiding Izzie like your life depends on it. But it doesn’t change the feeling you get when her name pops up on your phone; that rush that warms every part of your body. But it’s also different now – more intense, more visceral, more _real_ and it scares the mother freakin shit out of you. So you keep telling her you’re busy and jump into your relationship with Evan even more. You guys have sex again, and you love him, you really do. You know you’re never gonna find another guy like him; no one as selfless and as kind as him. He’s good at being your boyfriend, good at sex; and he’s tender and loving and treats you with respect and love. So it’s not like you don’t enjoy it, and it’s not like you weren’t present in the moment, but it’s the after, curled up in his arms, that you feel a tiny bit suffocated and hate yourself for it. 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As much as you’ve been avoiding Izzie, it doesn’t change the fact that you miss her with every fiber of your being. You’re on your way to Sam’s graduation, trying to avoid thinking of Izzie and telling yourself you’re crazy when you start smelling lavender randomly, when her name pops up on your phone again, with a goofy picture of the two of you. And your heart does this weird flippy thing, and your stomach feels funny and then there’s surge of happiness that tugs at your lips and controls your fingers, asking her to hang out later. She says yes. And you’re torn between jumping out of the car and meeting her now and turning off your phone and forgetting everything that’s happened. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Your big brother’s graduated and you’re so happy for him. And proud. You’ve spent years looking out for him, but today feels different. It finally feels like you can let him live his own life and you can finally live your own. You’re still scared for him, and you’re still navigating how to live life without playing the role of Sam’s Vigilant Protector, but you think you’re both managing. Sam will always be your best friend, and you’ll always be there for him and beat up any assholes that pick on him, but it’s nice to know that he can take care of himself too. It’s weird, trying to be just Casey, but it’s also really, really nice. So maybe that’s why, the second the ceremony is done, Casey rushes home to change and calls up Izzie. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

“I can’t believe we drove four towns away just to find a 7-11 that sells cotton candy slurpees,” Izzie says through a laugh. 

“I have no regrets,” you reply back with a grin.

Then there’s that tension filled pause again. Izzie won’t even look at you, and you really want her to look at you, so you say probably the worst thing you could at this time,

“So, guess what. I had sex again.”

“With Evan,” Izzie says, almost in a sarcastic questioning tone.

And Izzie still has a hard time looking you in the eye, so you make a joke.

“No, with myself,” you say sarcastically, and follow it up with, “but still counts though, right?” 

And that finally, finally gets a smile out of her, and she says “Shut up,” in this most twinkling, girly, adorable giggle, and you can’t help but feel a little smug that you were the cause of it. But then you remember what you were talking about, and you both take a sip from your slurpees and sober up.

“Yeah. With Evan,” you continue. “I really love him,” you say. And you do. You really, truly and genuinely do. How could you not? Evan is a sweetheart, the perfect guy. But you can’t help but think you’re trying a little too hard to convince Izzie, or even yourself. 

Izzie is silent for a while, but then, without looking at you, she says, “I know you do,” and it’s probably the most defeated you’ve heard Izzie, including that time where she found out Nate tried to cheat on her with you. And there’s something about her voice, about how everything’s been so confusing for you lately, that makes you speak up.

“It’s just… sometimes, a thing feels like, _so right_ you know?” And you think, you really need to stop putting yourself into these charged situations. It really fucks with your head. If she had her fitbit right now, she’s sure it would tell her that her heart beat is beating at 120 beats per minute, and all she’s doing is sitting there. She doesn’t look at Izzie, she doesn’t dare to. And Izzie seems to be following her lead. Casey’s not sure she’s ever felt such a compulsive need to touch someone before, but she can’t fight it. She’s tired of fighting it. She just needs to be close to Izzie. 

And Casey’s always been in awe of their connection and how they’re always on the same wavelength, so when Casey’s body acts for her, and moves her right hand closer to the middle, she’s only mildly surprised to feel Izzie’s left hand. If anything, Casey is more surprised with the absolutely electric jolt that shoots right down to her core and the blood that rushes to her head. Casey’s absolutely sure she’s gonna die from a heart attack. Casey has never felt so alive and so alert before, from a simple touch of hands, but Izzie has some magic in her or something. Casey can’t help but turn her palm over, to lace her fingers with Izzie’s. They still don’t dare to even glance at each other, both somehow knowing that if they did, the fragile connection they’re sharing would break. She doesn’t want to break this connection, but she’s also scared as shit to do anything more. She’s trying to calm her heart beat down, it feels like her whole body’s buzzing, and it’s getting louder and louder and – wait, no, that’s her phone.

Casey absolutely refuses to let go of Izzie’s hand, and if she’s being quite honest with herself, she doesn’t think she _can_. So Casey picks up her phone in her right hand, and her heart drops to her stomach. It’s Evan. Her boyfriend. Her boyfriend, Evan. And Casey has too much going on right now and ignores the call. 

Casey has no idea how long they stay like that for; both staring straight ahead, holding hands, and only the sound of their breathing accompanying them in the car, but eventually Casey gets a call from her mom telling her to come home now and the spell is broken.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The ride home is as silent as it was in that parking lot. But the air feels heavier somehow, different, full of unspoken promises and desires. Casey pulls up to Izzie’s home and puts the truck in park. Casey doesn’t know what to do or say, so she just does what she’s been doing and stares straight out. She can hear Izzie gathering her stuff, and sees her turn to open the door, from the corner of her eye, before she whips back around and grabs Casey by the neck and pulls her close. Casey’s powerless to do anything but follow her and close her eyes as she leans her forehead on Izzie’s. 

“Don’t forget your promise Newton,” Izzie whispers, her breath touching Casey’s lips from their close proximity.

All Casey can manage to do is nod her head against Izzie. They stay like that for some time, before Casey sees the porch light turn behind Izzie, and the slight movement jars them out of their intimate state. Izzie exhales deeply one more time, before pulling back, and giving a small, soft smile while looking into Casey’s eyes. 

“Goodnight Newton.”

“Night, Iz.”

Casey watches her walk all the way to her door, and inside, before she lets her tears fall. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Casey waits 15 more minutes, before she composes herself and picks up her phone. 

_We need to talk._

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Casey drives home that night and turns her phone off. She does’t want to hear from Izzie, she doesn’t want to hear from Evan, she doesn’t want to hear from anyone. She just wants to be alone with her thoughts, and remind herself that she’s no better than her lying, cheating, asshole of a mom. But a part of her, a part that Casey hates with every breath of her body, can’t help but understand her mom a little better and the reasons behind her actions. Casey shuts off that part of her brain and goes back to telling herself how horrible she is. 

And thinking of Izzie, leads to thinking of Evan. And even if they’re cool now, even after Casey was the most colossal asshole to him, Casey can’t help but feel that something isn’t quite _right._ And Casey, she thinks, must be even stupider than she originally diagnosed herself. Because, sweet, sweet, patient, understanding, kind, loving, tuba-stealing Evan, deserves the absolute best, and Casey is too much of a coward to admit that isn’t her. Things are amazing with Evan. And even though Casey goes out of her way to not watch those dumb chick flicks, even she’s aware enough to understand the gift Evan is, and how you never find perfect guys like him in real life. Evan is the best boyfriend, who never pressures her or makes her feel like they need to be doing more. Casey was the biggest asshole to him when she introduced him to her Clayton friends, and Evan, the angel himself, forgave her. Jesus, she’s such an asshole. She doesn’t deserve him. He’s respectful and kind and the sweetest, so why the actual ever living fuck can’t she get stupid Izzie out of her head? _Argghhhh why can’t life ever be easy for her, for god damn once, she thinks._

 

I mean, how could she do something like this to Evan? Evan is perfect, and he deserves so much better. And Casey is a chickenshit because she’s too cowardly to even start thinking about everything and about herself and about who she is, so how is she going to do the right thing and let go of Evan? He’s the first person to make her feel like number one, always and made her feel that it was okay to be just Casey. Casey can’t let that go, she won’t. And then Casey remembers the feeling in that parking lot and resolves that if she really loves Evan, she’ll do what’s best for him. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

“Hey Case,” Evan greets, planting a kiss on her cheek.

And Casey, well Casey’s already crying and she sees Evan’s wide eyes of panic, and his rush to hold her and ask her what’s wrong.

“I-I-I’m so, so sorry Evan, I – “ 

“Shh, shh, Casey. Case, calm down, alright? Relax babe, take a deep breath,” Evan says, guiding her to sit on the front porch. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?” And she can hear the absolute worry and concern in his voice and it makes her cry harder. It takes her a while before she calms down enough to speak, without sounding like she’s drowning.

“Evan, you _are_ the absolute best guy I have ever known, and I am the luckiest girl in the world. You deserve the best, the absolute best, and that’s not, that not me and, - “

“Casey, what are you talking about? All I want is you, I love _you._ You are what’s best for me. Where is this coming from? Did I do something? Did I – “

“ _No!_ No. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. It’s me. I did. There’s something wrong with me. Could you just, could you just sit and listen while I get this all out?” 

She can tell Evan wants to say something more, to tell her that she’s perfect or some foolishness like that, but Evan, being the supportive, respectful guy he is, just nods and waits.

“I – I don’t know when this happened. Or _how_ it happened or why it’s happening. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure I understand _any_ of it. And I think this feeling has always been with me; it’s always been there, deep down. But I’ve gotten so used to repressing my feelings and trying to be _normal_ " Casey sneers, "for me, for Sam, for my parents, that I just turn a blind eye to anything that stupid society doesn’t deem as normal y’ know?

And then, and then, Clayton happened, right? And you remember how shitty I was telling you it was, right? Remember? But then, then it, it wasn’t anymore. Not by a long shot. And it was cause of Izzie. It always comes down to Izzie. And I don’t know what I feel for her, I really don’t. And everything’s so confusing and weird and I’m so _terrified_ Evan. Sometimes I look at her, and she’s all I see. Sometimes, I swear to god I can smell her perfume. And whenever she holds my hand or gets too close, I feel the stupid cliché of butterflies and this warm rush of giddiness that I can’t control. 

And I know okay, I know that it’s 2018 and everything, but I’m still terrified as shit and sometimes I can’t breathe and it’s nothing like when I finish a leg of race, it’s scarier – it’s like I can’t catch my breath. I keep trying to break through the surface of water, but it just keeps getting further and further away and they feel like panic attacks and I can’t give my family anything more shit to worry about you know? I know it’s okay to be – to be, that _way._ Love is love, and all that shit. And I feel like I’ve always felt this way. I feel like there’s been times where I’ve stared at the girls in class too long, watched the way they ran during practice, or enjoyed being close with them, and cuddling. And who doesn’t have a crush on Gal Gadot, y’know? But I, I just, I feel like I can’t be that way. I’ve tried so hard to be who everyone needed me to be and I don’t know how to be myself.”

And Casey is crying fully now, and has said everything, looking down at her clenched hands, and Evan is so, so silent. So Casey finally looks up with him, with tears streaming down her face and continues.

“But I also know that I love you Evan. I do. You’re that boyfriend that every freakin girl in the entire world dreams about. You’re funny, you’re good looking, you’re sweet, and caring and just, so perfect. The perfect guy. For anyone. I just, I just don’t know if it’s for me. I don’t know what I know anymore. I don’t know what to do or who I want or even if I deserve to have anybody! Everything’s such a mess. Everything’s just so fucking confusing and I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do, and you’re the first person I’ve told, and I don’t want to lose you, Evan! I don’t know what I would do without you, you’re one of my best friends, and I care about you so much and I _need_ you in my life. And I know okay? I know that’s not fair to ask from you, especially since I’ve been such a shit girlfriend, but you were the the first one good thing in my life outside of my family and track, and I can’t stand the thought of losing you, but you deserve the world Evan, and I’m so scared and I don’t know how to be me and I –I –I”

You break off with a gasp. You’re hyperventilating and you can’t breathe and your vision is blurry and you really do think you’re going to die right here, on your front porch. And part of you thinks you deserve it, but then a warm, solid force encompasses you and you realize that Evan has breached a gap and is hugging you, like a valiant protector, never willing to let you get hurt. His hug grounds you and brings you back to the present, with his chin on top of your head, holding you close as you cry into his chest. You wrap your arms around him tightly, equally unwilling to let him go. You think you feel a drop on your head, and you think his voice sounds a little hoarse when he starts to speak.

“Now you listen to me Casey Gardner. You are one of the most incredible, talented, funny, sexy as hell ladies,” he says with a sniffle as you chuckle wetly, “and there is absolutely, _nothing_ wrong with you or how you’re feeling. I adore every part of you and I’m so proud of you, Case. So proud. This took a lot of bravery and I’m honoured that you trusted me enough to tell me this. I’ll always love you Casey,” he says as you break out into a choked sob, “and I always will. I’ll always want the best for you and will always want you happy. So you take all the time you need, and I’ll be right here waiting ‘til you sort things out alright?”

Evan pulls back, and dries the tears on your face with his thumbs, while his are wet with unshed tears. “I’ll always hope that once you do, you’ll come back to me, but that’s not to pressure you, it’s just to let you know, that I’m not mad at you. I don’t think you’re abnormal, er, or I do, cause no one’s normal right? But there’s nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling, and fuck anyone who thinks so okay? You’re perfect just the way you are.”

You shove him lightly from the cheesiness, but pull him closer again and bury your head in his chest. You love this guy, and you hate how much you’ve hurt him and hate how understanding he is. He’s making everything so much harder than it should be. You tell him so.

“God, why do you have to be such a perfect, fucking, gentleman huh? You’re making everything so much harder.”

He laughs a wet chuckle. “Hey babe, I was born this way,” he says, attempting to be smug and confident. 

It brings a smile to your face and for not the first time, makes you wish, you could just love him the way he deserves.

“You won’t lose me Case. You can’t get rid of me that easily. Plus, Beth would kill me. But, uh, I will need a little bit of time, just to process and everything you know? I mean, I’m still always gonna be here for you, but I just need a bit of space ok?”

And Jesus, you hate the panic that tenses up your body and hate yourself for even hating that he’s asked you for that. Truth be told, you deserve a lot worse. You’re no better than your mom, but of course Evan, kind soul Evan, won’t for a second, make you feel that way about yourself and tells you that nothing is wrong with you, you didn’t do anything wrong and you deserve to be happy.

You’re not sure how long you and Evan stay on your porch and talk things out more, and cry a lot more. But it’s darker now than when you guys started talking and the temperature has dropped a little. And you’re pretty sure both your asses and legs have fallen asleep. You know your parents are giving you the privacy you so desperately need for once, but your muscles really starting to get sore, so you shift, and Evan feels it and you both know it’s time for him to go.

You get up slowly together, you can’t bare to look at him right now, but you know he at least deserves that. You walk him to his car and he holds out his arms. You don’t hesitate to step into his arms once more, and breathe in his scent. He holds you tight, and before you know it, he pulls back, plants one last kiss on your forehead, tells you he loves you, and gets into his car and drives off.

You stand in that spot for ten minutes, until your mom opens the front porch, steps out and holds her arms out, and just for this moment, you forget all the disgusting shit she pulled and run into her arms.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Later, after you cried yourself to sleep, you wake up to your phone with multiple messages from Izzie. It’s a little after midnight, but you see she’s only messaged you about an hour ago.

 _10:59 PM - Izzie_  
_Hey Newton, wanna hang out tomorrow?_

 _11:10 PM - Izzie_  
_I miss you._

 _11:12 PM - Izzie_  
_Shit, I didn’t mean that. I mean, I did. But also, I don’t want things to be weird. Can we just go back to how things were before?_

 _11:45 – Izzie_  
_I’m gonna sound stalkerish again, but I really do want my girl back_

You can’t help but smile at the messages, even after the day you’ve had. So you pick up your phone and message her back.

 _12:07 AM - you_  
_Sure_ , you type, _I’d love that._

 

##### 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And so you pick up Izzie from her house the next day, and you guys end up going to the beach for run, because you guys are who you are, and you do what you do best – run and try to avoid all your problems.

The day is pretty crisp, but you’re both warm from your run, so you sit down on the sand and watch the waves crash onto the shoreline. You think you’d be tired of these pregnant, tension-filled charges between you, but somehow, this feels different; it feels new and exciting and you can’t help but smile. 

“What’re you smiling about?” Izzie asks, with a shoulder bump.

“Hm? Oh, nothing much, really,” you say.

Izzie gives a noncommittal hum. You know she doesn’t believe you, but seems content with just sitting contentedly beside you. You feel that magnetic pull again, and you know Izzie feels it too, because she grabs your hand, with a little less hesitation than before and leans her head on your shoulder. And while the feeling of being close to her still makes your heart beat wildly and make you feel like you’re gonna throw up, it also makes you feel like you can do anything and gives you the courage to tell her what happened with Evan. You recount the whole thing, and she just listens patiently, sometimes squeezing your hand tighter when she knows you’re feeling overwhelmed. It helps. It grounds you, just like Evan’s hugs did. And not for the first time, do you think, you lucked out pretty damn hard to have these two in your life. You’re crying, and she knows you are, and you think she’s crying too, as you see dots of darker sand scattered in the vast white. But she just pulls you closer and wraps her other hand around your arm, as you both stare out into the water.

And you’re content with just sitting in silence with her, just listening to the sounds of the beach. But you’re also equal parts nervous and relieved when she starts to shift to look up at you.

“You know, everything Evan said was right, as much as I hate to admit it. He’s an amazing guy and he was, like, one hundred percent right when he told you that _nothing_ is wrong with you – with us, with _this._ You really are perfect the way you are Casey, and I’ll beat the crap out of anyone who says otherwise. I know this is scary. I’m scared too. But nothing has ever felt more _right_ than sitting here, just being here with you. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky; you are the first person to ever make me feel like I belong and make me feel like _Izzie._ I don’t know what’s going to happen from here, I don’t know what will happen between us, but I already know that you’re gonna be in my life forever Newton, whether you like it or not and I love you and just want you to be happy. I don’t think I’m in love with you yet, but I think I really, really could be. But if you end up deciding that’s not something you want, then I promise you that I’ll respect that. You’re my friend first and foremost, and above all, I want that. I need that. I need you in my life. So let’s make a promise.”

Your heart is still pounding, and your breathing is starting to pick up again, after you just slowed it down, but your brain keeps looping the words _in love with you_ over and over in your head and you can’t help but imagine all the possibilities with this incredible girl. But you hear her last words, and you already know where this is going, so you shift too, and lean in closer and place your forehead on hers. It’s all levels of different, but also the same, the first time you guys did this. But now everything is a hundred times more heightened, and you feel lighter and happier somehow. She’s biting her lower lip again, and this time you’re not afraid to admit to wanting to snatch it out with your own teeth and kissing the breath out of her. But you don’t. You don’t think either of you are ready for that quite yet. But this is enough, more than enough for now. 

“Let’s make a promise, to never, ever let anything come between us, and that we’ll always be friends and in each other’s life forever, okay?” she says in a breathy whisper.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” you say, equally breathlessly.

And you still don’t know if this is something you want. All you know is, this girl, has flipped your world upside down and you can’t even be mad at her for it. She’s awoken those latent feelings you’ve tried so hard to suppress and you think you’re ready to confront them, as long as Izzie is by your side.

And so you stay there, in that position, with blissful smiles on your faces, eyes closed, foreheads touching, and you know that everything is going to be okay. You’re gonna figure this out. You don’t know what the world holds in store for you, or for Izzie or for Evan, but you feel braver than you ever have and lighter than you once were. Like you could run on air. And like you knew then, getting to know Izzie in coach’s office, like you know now, you know that Izzie is going to be something truly special in your life and she’s going to change your world. 

She already has.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, thanks for making it to the end, and for even just reading it! Greatly appreciated! I recently just came out as bi earlier this year with a few close people in my life, and my life has been a whirlwind and it's been crazy. So as much as I love my bby Evan, and thinks he deserves the world, I wanted to do a little something for our soft gays in love haha. I resonate so much with Casey and what she's going through, so I wanted to focus on some of her thoughts dealing with Izzie. I really love this show and everything about it, and it's really touched me. And if you're here, I'm sure it did with you too. So I'm glad you even clicked this story :). And if you're so inclined, would love to hear your thoughts on everything too!!
> 
> Thanks guys :).


End file.
